Shrinking Violet

Questionnaire From La

My sister sent me this questionnaire today.  I am unwinding after a brutal final.  It was fun to fill out.  If you'd like, answer the questions and email them to me.  I'd love to hear all about you!

1.      What time did you get up this morning?
At 5:30.  I can't sleep before finals.  I read and studied when I got up, but the final still sucked.  Hopefully it sucked for everyone else too!  Gotta love that curve.
2.      Diamonds or pearls?
Depends on the occasion
3.      What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Stranger than Fiction I give it 3.5 stars.  I loved it, but it was a bit melodramatic at the end.
4. What is your favorite TV show?
Grey's Anatomy The best guilty pleasure on television also provides guilty pleasure bonding with other fans.  Perhaps the best line ever from my bff Evidence prof: "But you have to love Meredith because she is flawed."  If you haven't read the writer's blog, I strongly recommend it.  It provides valuable insights into the rich characters and story lines.  Haha.
5. What did you have for breakfast?
String Cheese
6. What is your middle name?
Louise
7. What is your favorite book?
Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner
8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything with peanuts or peanut butter.  I'm not allergic, but I think my taste buds taste peanut related foods differently than everybody else's.  I can't even stand the smell.
9. What is your favorite chip?
Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Joshua Radin, We Were Here
11. What kind of car do you drive?
A gray 2002 Toyota Camry (yawn).
12. What is your favorite sandwich?
Caprese (fresh mozzarella, basil, and tomato) on crusty Italian baguette.
13. What characteristic do you despise?
Whining.  I know, I'm kind of a hypocrite that way.
14. Favorite item of clothing?
My new Joe's Jeans, a consolation prize for totally bombing my final!
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
African Safari - Humanitarian Trip - Kilimanjaro Climb.  Good thing I'm going to be a fancy schmancy lawyer, eh?
16. What color is your bathroom?
Downstairs: a lovely understated turquoisey color with white trim, bronze fixtures, and a canvas of Matisse's goldfish.  Upstairs: both are very beige.
17. Favorite brand of clothing?
It's a tie: Banana Republic and J. Crew.
18. Where would you want to retire to?
Torrey
19. Favorite time of day?
The past semester I really enjoyed walking to the Sev for a 44 oz. Super Big Gulp (5/6 Diet Coke, 1/6 Dr. Pepper) during my 9:00-10:30 break.  It's not too hot yet in the summer, warmed up a bit in the winter, and generally pretty sunny. 
20. Where were you born?
SLC
21. Favorite sport to watch?
It used to be basketball when the Jazz were good.  I especially liked the post-Stockton/Malone year when they almost made the playoffs.  Those Jazz were scrappy.  I don't watch sports much lately.
22. What type of detergent do you use?
Tide with Bleach Alternative.  We tried the cheap stuff but Zach was allergic.
23. Coke or Pepsi?
Diet Coke.  Heaven is Diet Coke.  You'll know I've made it in life when I have Diet Coke on tap in my house.
24. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
I was an avowed night owl until this semester which involved an 8:00 class.  I must must must have 8 hours of sleep or I do not function.  I usually go to bed around 10:30 and wake up at 6:30.  That makes me sound like more of a morning person than I am, though.
25. What size shoe do you wear?
8 1/2
26. Do you have pets?
Yoda the cat.  We named him Yoda but I don't think I've ever called him that.  When he was a little cat I called him Little.  Not that he is big, I call him Monster.  He's kind of a monster, but he's really sweet.  He curls up in my lap and purrs and gives me kisses.
27. New and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone?
I'm working in New York this summer at a V5 firm!!
28. What did you want to be when you were little?
Important.
29. Favorite candy?
Blue raspberry sour straws and black red vines, but not together
30. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
Bulk Mailer, Administrative Assistant, Writing Tutor, Real Estate Agent, and Fake Lawyer
31. Soup or Salad?
Salad.  In DC I had lunch at a different restaurant each day.  Each place I had goat cheese salad with a light balsamic vinegarette and goat cheese.  It didn't get old.  I also like soup, though.  My favorite is Einstein's butternut squash soup.
32. Nicknames
Em is about it.  I love it when people I like call me Em because it has a very intimate feel to it.  I HATE it when people I hardly know or people I don't particularly like call me Em for the same reason.  I had some roommates in college who called me Easy E, though it was an ironic name, really.
33. What song can you not help but sing out loud to?
Anything on Fifty Cent's Get Rich or Die Tryin' CD.  Imagine me (smallish white girl) running on the treadmill in my basement shouting "WHAT UP THUG?" and "I'M A MOTHER F***ING P.I.M.P.".  Funny stuff, I'm sure.  Good thing the only witness is my cat.
34. Eye color?
Blue, even more so since I started wearing clear contacts, oddly enough.  They are, to paraphrase Beth from Little Women, my one beauty.
35. Ever been to Africa ?
Yes, I went to Egypt when I was 19.  Rode a camel, visited the Sphinx and the Pyramids, saw some mummies.  I went on a cruise on the Nile, but it was too polluted so I couldn't get in and thereby say I spent my summer in de-Nile, ha ha.
36. Been in a car accident?
I crunched the hood of my little old Camry.  Zach replaced it with a black one which was tied on with some bailing wire.  It looked terrible.  It was probably good for my pride to drive that around.
37. Favorite day of the week?
Friday.  I really like working, which I get to do during the day, and I like the time off.
38. Favorite restaurant?
I went to this new place last weekend on Z's insistence and it was great!  My favorite old standby is probably Red Butte.
39. Favorite flower?
Indian Paintbrush
40. Favorite ice cream?
Coffee, Rocky Road, Chocolate Brownie--depends on my mood.  I also always love soft serve of pretty much any variety as long as it is in a cone, a cheap McDonald's-like cone.
41. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Cafe Rio.  I will miss their salads when I am in NYC.
42. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Realtor Beige.
43. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Once.  I stopped at the red light on the range, then I went.  It hadn't turned green yet.  But it was on the range.  I am totally a safe driver.  Especially compared to my siblings (eek!).
44. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
A friend from law school asking for my Business Organizations notes.
45. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Read, Surf the Net, IM my sisters.
46. Last person you went out to eat with?
Zach, of course.  I usually do lunch with a friend at least once a week.
47. What are you listening to right now?
NPR: Book Selections to Nourish the Mind at the Holidays

Guilty Pleasures

Finals are a bitch.  This semester is a disaster, mitigated only by my at-least-i-already-have-a-job mantra.  I'm struggling to make up for all the time I spent playing and pretending that I'm already done with all this shit.  My final yesterday was particularly bad, and the one on Monday is looking to turn out the same way.  I spend pretty much all my time studying, but I've taken a break for a few guilty pleasures.
- Made Banana and Black Bean Empanadas
- Ran, several times, several miles
- Would have watched Grey's Anatomy, but alas it was a rerun.  That's what I get for watching it faithfully during the semester.
- Read Above the Law
- Eat lunch with my work friends.
I was feeling bad about all the time I was putting into not-studying, but at lunch one of my friends said that she used to knit and knit and knit during finals and my other friend said that he once wrote an entire short story during finals.  At Least I Already Have a Job.

Let it Snow

I am listening to Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto #1, ahhh.  It is supposed to start snowing in approximately a half hour, a big snow storm.  I can barely see the mountains right now because they are covered with that big black cloud that makes me happy.  I am trying like mad to decide what to do with the rest of my life.  It's not working, but Friday is the deadline so I have to decide soon.  I missed my Bus Orgs class today to go to lunch with the judge and his clerks.  I am screwed this semester.  I may as well give up now.  I want to crawl in a hole, a little bit, but I'm feeling a little more peaceful today than I have felt of late.  I'm working on a blog post about something other than whine whine whine.  I love the snow because it covers a multitude of sins.  My dad accused me of being a perfectionist last week.  I don't know that I'm a perfectionist, I just like to hide the bad.

Unbloggable Funk

I've been in a terrible funk lately over things that don't belong in a public blog.  I've started running again in hopes the funk lifts.  I'm 27 years old.  Twenty seven.  I feel like I haven't accomplished much.  I feel removed from the life I've been creating for the last 27 years.  I'm a planner, usually.  Not just the typical make sure that everything gets done properly planner, but the type of person who likes to look five or ten years into the future and have at least a general idea of where I'll be.  Lately I can't see past the summer.  This is partly because I have no idea where I'll be getting a clerkship, but also deals with a whole host of other issues, including but not limited to the faulty ovaries.  I suppose it is the year anniversary of the Bad Thing.  Perhaps that is my problem.  I'm nearly positive that this is one of those fist covering the moon problems--feels bigger than it actually is and also is entirely self-inflicted.  I hope to back to my old perky blogging self soon.

Week In Review

Rejections:

• Law Review Note.  My note is not going to be published in its current form.  No surprise since I researched and wrote it in one weekend, the same weekend I also created my entire Bus Orgs outline.  Mostly this just means more work, since I have a revision deadline in mid January.
• Fav DC Firm.  Yep, I finally got rejected from a national firm that I actually liked.  I feel kind of indignant because they didn't even check my references, which this particular firm is known to do.  I thought all but one of my interviews there went well, but the one that didn't go well was with one of the hiring committee people. 
• Probably Other DC Firms.  I'm now waiting to hear back from three firms, two of which I am relatively certain will have negative results.  NYC is looking more and more promising.  It's okay, that's where I wanted to go anyway, and now I have an excuse. (I'm not handling this near so well as that sentence made it sound, but not so bad as I could be doing.  Learning to handle rejection: important life lesson.) Updated to say that I checked www.summerassociate.com and it looks like ding letters are likely in the mail for at least two of the firms I am waiting for.

Good News:

• Bus Orgs Midterm: A's on both answers.  I exclaimed in glee when I saw the result, causing the person standing next to me to say "Congratulations.  I didn't see what you got, but I assume it was good."  Am such an asshole.
• DC Firms: Two offers.  Bleh.  Only sort of good news considering the rejection.
• Going back to last summer's firm for a few weeks.  This is kind of good news.  I am working on my enthusiasm.

For Fun

• Got hair done at fancy schmancy place again.  Look like Ramona Quimby.
• Ran 5 miles on Thursday morning on accident because I thought it was a 3 mile route.  I'm such an airhead.  It felt good though.  I'm thinking about training for a marathon.
• Halloween Party.  Was actually miserable.  As I got up to leave, one of Z's friends said "You're not pregnant, you don't belong here."  Nice.  Probably true, but maybe one of the meanest things ever said to me out loud in recent memory.

Thoughts on Aging

I'm turning 27 on Wednesday.  My current small crisis, caused by DC rejection combined with my local firm acceptance, cannot be described as a quarter life crisis since it is highly unlikely that I will live to be 108. 

What if going to law school was a stupid idea?  What if not transferring was a stupid decision?  What if I don't get a clerkship or I can't get a good job after spending my summer at Sweatshop?  While I know I'm being a little ridiculous, I can't help but feel down, especially with how left out I felt at the Halloween party and how upset I was a few weeks ago when I found out a fellow law student is pregnant.  I am happy still, though.  Just having a rough afternoon.

Ramona Quimby, Age 8

I read Ramona Quimby, Age 8 when I was 5.  I loved it.  I wished that I was a younger sister instead of an older sister so I could be more like Ramona than her older sister Beezus.  Yesterday I got a haircut from the expensive place my friend recommended.  This friend has offered helpful hair suggestions each time I've seen her for the past three years which makes me think there must be something obscenely wrong with my hair.  Obscenely wrong enough to spend $(very obscene amount redacted) to get a hair cut and color.  I like the hairdresser a lot, but I think my new haircut makes me look a lot like Ramona Quimby.  Maybe it was the fact that I also wore tights with a denim skirt today.  I told my sister I thought I looked like Ramona and she agreed.  I told my husband that I looked like "Ramona Quimby, Age 8", and though he hadn't heard of the book, he said that did not sound like a good thing.

Interviewing? Is Over!

Sorry for the lack of posts.  I very much regret that I have not recorded a play by play of the last few weeks because it has been a whirlwind.  I interviewed at 4 firms in New York and 6 in DC.  Right now I have 4 offers, still waiting to hear back from most of the DC trip--got back yesterday.  Most of it was very run of the mill for anyone who has done flyback interviewing.  This was particularly nice, the run of the mill-ness, because it made me feel a part of the profession on a more macro scale than I experience day to day at my small law school.

Now comes the more difficult part: choosing.  What am I going to do next summer?  What am I going to do after I graduate?  Lately I feel like my grasp on my career goals is weak at best.  I don't know what I want.  Meaningful and interesting work?  Certainly.  But beyond that who knows.  It seems like it would be a blast to work in NYC for a summer, but maybe not beyond that.  DC has lots of what I'm looking for in practicing law but since I still don't know where I will get offers, I'm not sure how to go about narrowing down at this point.  The fun lies ahead.  Hopefully I will feel more like posting about my trips a little later.  Right now I am frayed and fried.

Not. Helpful.

Last night I talked with my mother for an hour.  Conversations that last longer than ten minutes with my mom are usually doomed, and this was no exception.  Here are some of the gems.

1. I'd be a lot less worried if it were Sarah going to New York.  She is a much better traveler than you are.
2. Aren't you worried that there is going to be a terrorist attack?
3. What if you're hailing a cab and someone thinks you are making an ethnically inappropriate gesture or that you're a prostitute or something.  Not that you look like a prostitute.
4. Everyone's going to think you're a hick.  They won't be able to understand your accent.
5. How are you ever going to find your way around?  Aren't you worried about getting lost?
6. Don't go jogging.  People disappear while jogging in New York ALL THE TIME.
7. You're going to take the subway BY YOURSELF?  You're going to go to the Met BY YOURSELF?  You're going to have to eat dinner BY YOURSELF?
8. Do you have any last words in case you never come back?  Do you want us to celebrate your birthday in remembrance?

In the middle of the conversation, I had an epiphany.  "YOU YOU YOU!" I stuttered, "You are the voice inside my head that tells me that I'm going to be a hick. You are what has created this abject fear that nobody will like me. It's all you!"  She laughed.  "Oh, you blame me for everything."

Retail Therapy

Look at my new purse/tote!!!!

It fits my laptop, a binder, a book (or two), plus all the normal purse stuff.  It's beautiful.  It makes me feel just a small bit better about the upcoming trip to NYC.  I'm scared to death.  But excited.

I'm feeling a little better than I did Friday . . . though I found out this really cute nice smart woman in my school is pregnant and not interviewing because she will be taking care of her small child next summer and I felt like I was punched in the gut.  Not sure why it affected me so much worse than when I found out LSBF (law school best friend) was pregnant.  It did though.  It sent me into a tailspin wherein I have become convinced that Z considers my law school and law related ambitions to be the "for worse" part of our marriage.  Look at the picture of me from Wednesday as I spend hours and hours researching law firms and working on my note and you will probably agree.  He must really love me, though, because he was with me when I bought the Coach bag and he didn't put up a fight.

It's Beginning to Get to Me

1. I was wrong about the schools attended by the Prestigious Job-holders at my Prestigious Internship.  There are two from Harvard, one from Yale, and a superhuman U. genius.  This reinforces my desperate fear of someday receiving a letter that says "Dear Emily:  You should have gone to Harvard.  The position has been filled.  Regards, Job You Desperately Want."

2. I'm almost positive that my Prestigious Boss, who is also my professor, had to check the seating chart for my name today.  I love my Prestigious Internship, and not only because of the Prestige.  I love reading the record, researching the law, and drafting opinions.  I suppose if I love the job, I'll love it without the prestige when I am doing similar work for an icky state court.  It baffles me that I love this job and I hated my summer job.  I am doing pretty similar work--less research and more writing, but similar.  My coworkers last summer were more friendly than the Prestigious Job-holders. Or rather, the Prestigious Job-holders are really friendly, but sort of make me feel like a second class citizen.  When I think about my terribly low chances of the Prestigious Job, which I want RIGHT OUT OF SCHOOL not the year after, and which I want with Prestigious Boss not Less Prestigious Boss, I get this desperate disappointment.  Desperate because it seems there should still be something I can do about it and disappointment realizing that Prestigious Boss had to check the seating chart for my name and hires only from Harvard and Yale.

3.  I am scared stiff about my NYC trip.  Z isn't coming.  I am staying in a freaking nice hotel and I have 4 1/2 or 5 1/2 interviews scheduled.  I went to talk to my fav NYC prof about my trip and this other student came in and took up all the time with inane conversation.  He didn't even make a polite offer to come back later or anything.  When the student asked me why I was worried, I responded "Well first of all, I have no sense of direction whatsoever."  His response: "That is such a girl concern.  I would be worried about my actual interviews and you're just worried about getting there."  JACKASS.  I had already talked about my abject fear that I won't understand anyone's accent and that I will seem so totally backwoods that people will think I'm a complete hick.  Girl concerns, all.  I am a horrible person for consoling myself by thinking about how much smarter I am than him. 

4.  I need a 4.0 this semester to stay in my ranked position.  I can't concentrate because of interviewing.  I am missing 6 days of class for out of town interviewing and oral argument hearing.  Right now it seems impossible.  Without the 4.0 I am not a superstar sufficient to get my Prestigious Job and do whatever I want as a lawyer.  With the 4.0, the Prestigious Job still seems pretty unlikely (see 1 and 2). 

5. Yesterday at my Prestigious Internship, Utah told me how hard it is to be a housewife, how his wife works harder than he does, and how he really admires her.  I'm not sure how to respond to soapboxes of this nature.  I do think that stay at home moms work really hard.  I think they also create intangible benefits like a relatively well kept house and homemade meals and the peace and comfort that comes with that kind of order.  I feel rotten that I am such a crappy homemaker and that my maternal instinct is seriously lacking and that I pay someone to clean my house.  On days like today when I am feeling failure and apprehension about school and questioning my decisions entirely, though, I must admit that being a housewife doesn't look like a bad alternative.