Shrinking Violet

Breathalyze This

For my callback at Regional Firm I went to lunch at a posh new SLC restaurant.  It was great fun to try out a new restaurant, and two (2!) women associates were my dining companions.  Overall the interview was fine.  I like them better than Boring Firm and about the same if not better than last summer's firm. Most interesting story, though, that maybe I in my naive provincial splendor think is more interesting than it is. 

One of my lunchtime companions started talking about drunk driving.  She bought herself a breathalyser from Brookstone.  Then she got slowly drunk, testing her alcohol level after every few sips.  At each new increment, she attempted to perform a field sobriety test.  She commented that by .08, the SL legal limit, she was pretty drunk.  My question, though, is how can a drunk person really tell if they are passing a self administered field anxiety test?  Anyway, she said that the breathalyser was a fun conversation starter in a bar, so if your the barhopping type, perhaps a good investment?

Interviewing is going well - ish.  My out of state callbacks are coming together nicely.  My law review note, on the other hand . . .

Charmed

I must admit that I sometimes am afraid that I am in the midst of the best moments of my life.  Today in particular was, well, splendid.

My cat curls up in my lap when I do my homework.  I love him.  I love how warm he is and how he cuddles up to me and trusts me.  My friend's cat died today, and when he told me I almost cried.  I don't think that my cat in "heaven" or whatever happens to cats could be as good as the weight of my cat sleeping, breathing, and purring on my lap as I go about my imperfect life.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning.  I used to feel so lazy when I slept past 8:00 because it became such a habit.  Now that I am regularly out of bed before 7:00, a day when I sleep until 9:30 is pleasure I relish without nearly so much guilt.  I read this article in the NY Times and thought about how divine and lovely it is to spread out after Z is up and gone to work and how I would rather stop breathing than stop sleeping next to him in spite of that.

I ate Thai food for lunch with a friend from school.  I wore the most casual dressed up clothes I have to go to Prestigious Internship so I was actually comfortable all day.  The Grey's Anatomy season premiere is tonight.  My concentration is holding up and I'm feeling somewhat confident in my understanding of my classes notwithstanding that I just discovered I didn't buy an important text for my most important class.  I received a very positive email from an alum that is sending my resume to the recruiters at a really cool firm in DC.  I have two firms willing to interview me in NYC (paying for my flight and everything).  Leaving SL makes me more frightened than I've ever been in my entire life, but so excited at the same time that I can hardly hold it in.

Life isn't perfect, but it feels charmed.  When the cat sits on my lap I move as little as possible so that he won't decide to sleep somewhere else.  At some point I can't stand the pins and needles in my calf and I have to move.  Sometimes I can keep the cat on my lap, but most of the time he moves to the chair next to me, the family room, or near the door if he wants to go outside.  I can't keep him sitting there as much as I wish I could.

Small Consolations

It sounds like Favorite Firm has once again decided that I should not work for them--rumors of callbacks abound.  I also have not heard back from Boring Firm.  Swell.  Seriously, the only thing working worse than my Plan B is my Plan A.  I am 0-4 on firms that have responded to my national resume hunt and 4-43 on responses.  Today's interview with Regional Firm was less than spectacular.  And suddenly the thought of going back to Nice Firm next summer has me a little queasy.

So, why again did I think that staying at the U. was a good idea?  Because this seriously does not feel like "working out for the best" in any sense of the word unless "the best" is "give up because this isn't for you anyway".

To make myself feel better, I am listening to Joshua Radin, Snow Patrol, and Iron + Wine.  I am catching up on my reading for Bus Orgs to avoid catastrophe on the midterm scheduled for just two weeks from today.  And I am drinking fabulous tea (of the herbal variety).  The tea is enough to make me not care.  It smells soooo good and, unlike regular tea (of the herbal variety) it actually tastes good too.  I probably keep my tea too long after the expiration date, but I find it often tastes like water soaked in hay rather than in fragrant herbs.  I keep looking at my happy cat curled up on the couch and remembering how lovely it is to have a house.

I can't help but take interviewing rejection personally.  I am the highest ranked person interviewing and I doubt anyone has the breadth and depth of experience I have either.  I'm not sure what my problem is.  You might think arrogance based on the fact that I know my resume is kick-ass, but I don't think so . . . I've been described by several professors as "self-effacing", which should be a good thing considering the strength of my resume.  Accomplished and humble.  You and I know that's not true, but that's how I supposedly come across.

One theory goes that my frank and forthright manner is off putting to men (my interviewers have been predominantly men) used to more deferential women.  It could also be my bad attitude is seeping into my interviews, though to be honest I've felt pretty chipper during my three interviews and the bad attitude has been mostly hidden.  I doubt that firms that are recruiting me would be turned off by the extent of my accomplishments, particularly when they are considering me for a summer offer that is traditionally the job I will take permanently.  But maybe my enthusiasm for my Prestigious Internship has made them doubt my dedication to life at a firm.

And if they think that, they're right.  Each day at my Prestigious Internship convinces me that if I don't find what I want in a firm I am more than willing to take a Government pay cut to become a clerk for an appellate court.

Trashy Mormon Romance Novels

Z was chatting with some men at church when the subject turned to Mormon fiction.  Someone's wife loves reading the inspiring and upbeat selection of romance novels available only from Deseret Book. 

I must disclose that I have read a few Jack Weyland books in my time, though not since I was 13.  I think I can safely say that I have not read any Mormon fiction at all since then.  It's hard to describe why I stay away from Mormon fiction without sounding like a snob.  I get a lot of condescending "you must not read much" when I admit that I haven't read any of The Work and the Glory series.  (I also get that with Harry Potter, the Mitford series, and the Da Vinci Code, though.)  I am sure or at least I sure hope that Mormon fiction is uplifting to some, but to me a world that fits into a neat little box seems hollow and unhelpful.  I like the messiness that exists in the world because it more parallels my experience.  I realize that most of the readers of Mormon Fiction  would be appalled by Kunderra's The Unbearable Lightness of Being or maybe even by Arudati Roy's The God of Small Things, two of my favorite books that have some disturbing scenes in them. 

Still, I was a little surprised at which men said that their wives enjoyed Mormon romance novels.  (Of course, to be fair, I am a vacuum of self-absorption to the point that I am surprised when people support the president even though his approval rating is still above 50% in this state.)  It made me feel left out, actually.  Though part of me is glad to not be the stereotype, I sometimes wish I could at least bend to pretend I fit part of it.  I can't though.  Right now, in addition to my school books I am working on The Biography of the Constitution and Midnight's Children. 

Now, just so nobody thinks I'm a bigger snob than I actually am, I am going to admit that this afternoon I am going to drive over an hour round trip to permanently borrow my brother in law's
Tivo so as to not miss a second of Grey's Anatomy, the best, most artistic piece of television art ever produced by the minds of Hollywood.  There's nothing like cheering on two beautiful people committing adultery to make you feel enriched as a human being.

discouragement + headache

I am getting nothing done.  I just spent twenty minutes chatting online about her ob who worked as a phone sex worker during med school. 

My interview for tomorrow with Favorite Firm (local) moved from lunch to 8:30.  On my only day to sleep in.  When the career services woman emailed me as if I had an option, my reply said "I suppose that if I don't change it they will be grumpy with low blood sugar for my interview, no?  8:30 it is, then." 

One of the OCI national firms out of Chicago--I shall call them lesser Chicago--did not even request an on campus interview with me.  Ummmm, what the hell?  Who are these people interviewing?  The one person in my class with a higher rank than mine is not interviewing.  Plus he got in a bad mountain biking accident and hasn't been to school for a couple weeks, so he might be more than not interviewing.  My suspicion is that they are interviewing for their Fiery Furnace (that means Phoenix) office, to which I did not apply.  Morons.  I'm not terribly sad at this point--they weren't what I was looking for.

I got rejected from Snotty Potty Firm today too.  Via email, though I only applied via email so I guess it's okay.  Still.  They are out of San Fran, but have a SL office.  I didn't want to work there anyway, but it still smarts a little.  (More than lesser Chicago, which doesn't make sense because I didn't send lesser Chicago my resume unsolicited.)

Also, one of the people to whom my uncle graciously sent my resume emailed him back and said something about my school being "so far off the list of schools" where they usually interview that he couldn't make any promises.  I could have gone anywhere and clearly should have gone anywhere else at this point.  --weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth goes here--

So in conclusion, my life has gone downhill from yesterday because now I am not only discouraged but I have a headache.  And some more reasons to be discouraged.  Bleh.

discouragement

My Prestigious Boss got FOUR HUNDRED APPLICATIONS for FOUR spots for post-law school jobs for next fall.  400.  That is approximately 270 more students than GO TO MY LAW SCHOOL.  There was nobody from my law school on the winner board, which had about 30 names with school, GPA, and extracirricular activities listed next to them.  Also, sadly, I am enjoying my Prestigious Job so much that regular law firm work is starting to look drab.  Sadly, I say, because it looks like my odds are slim to none of obtaining the Prestigious Job.  Plus it's only a year gig anyway.

This week I am interviewing at Boring Firm and also at Favorite Firm from spring OCI.  I have heard back from one (1) firm in DC, and it wasn't even one where I sent an application.  My fabulous uncle forwarded my resume around to his friends, and one of them forwarded my resume to the HR department who sent me an email to say "We're a tech firm, did you not know that?"  ARGH!  It was actually a much nicer email than that, but still discouraging.  Z says I am overreacting to not hearing anything since my resumes went into the mail on Friday at 3:00 PM.  (to which i reply, when have you EVER known me to overreact to ANYTHING?)

These last few days have been the largest glimpses of discouragement I've felt about the practice of law and my decision to go to Local School instead of Prestigious School.  (Contradictory worries, I know. . .should I have gone at all?  should i have aimed "higher"?)  Today in my Prestigious Job meeting, I found out which top-14 school one of my co-workers attended, and I realized that it is quite possible that I got the highest LSAT score among them.  Further, it is highly highly unlikely that I had the lowest LSAT of any of them.  Which, of course, DOESN'T MATTER because I will always have a degree from Local School.  Bleh.  Bleh Bleh Bleh.

In conclusion, I don't think I want to work at a firm and I think the more desirable alternatives are less attainable than I had previously hoped.  I have spent the afternoon reading InStyle, drinking gingerale, and eating toasted pita bread with garlic hummus.  Tomorrow I will officially be 200 pages behind in Bus Orgs.

Law Job Sweepstakes

When I was little, I remember the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes junk mail arriving.  I sat on the living room couch and imagined what I would do when I won the millions of dollars.  I allocated some to charity, of course, because then God would increase my chances of winning.  I was pretty sure I would win because the mail said I was one of the finalists.  I filled out the entry using my mother's name, because I could see that only people over 18 could enter.  I was 10.  I hoped my mother would give me credit for the winnings, but I thought she might not.

Today I mailed off 41 resumes to various firms where I would like to work.  It's not the same as the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes since that doesn't involve indentured servitude to obtain your winnings, but it felt kind of similar to the way I felt when I dropped the sweepstakes entry into the mail.  All my hopes for a better life dropped into the letter slot at the post office.

Now, better life at this point is questionable and relative.  I realize that I have a pretty great life as it is and that billing 2500 hours a year is NOT a great life.  However, the possibilities feel endless, which I love.  I don't know if it is the various medicines (none for psychological disorders oddly enough) I'm now taking or because I happen to be quite good at law school, but more than ever I am thrilled to be a part of the world.  Life is certainly not perfect.  Some times in the past year have been so painful I haven't wanted to open my eyes.  Stress and disappointment has been real and deep.  Zach sometimes doubts that I am truly happy.  I suppose I am not always happy, but when I started law school, it felt like my life switched from black and white to color.