1. I was wrong about the schools attended by the Prestigious Job-holders at my Prestigious Internship. There are two from Harvard, one from Yale, and a superhuman U. genius. This reinforces my desperate fear of someday receiving a letter that says "Dear Emily: You should have gone to Harvard. The position has been filled. Regards, Job You Desperately Want."
2. I'm almost positive that my Prestigious Boss, who is also my professor, had to check the seating chart for my name today. I love my Prestigious Internship, and not only because of the Prestige. I love reading the record, researching the law, and drafting opinions. I suppose if I love the job, I'll love it without the prestige when I am doing similar work for an icky state court. It baffles me that I love this job and I hated my summer job. I am doing pretty similar work--less research and more writing, but similar. My coworkers last summer were more friendly than the Prestigious Job-holders. Or rather, the Prestigious Job-holders are really friendly, but sort of make me feel like a second class citizen. When I think about my terribly low chances of the Prestigious Job, which I want RIGHT OUT OF SCHOOL not the year after, and which I want with Prestigious Boss not Less Prestigious Boss, I get this desperate disappointment. Desperate because it seems there should still be something I can do about it and disappointment realizing that Prestigious Boss had to check the seating chart for my name and hires only from Harvard and Yale.
3. I am scared stiff about my NYC trip. Z isn't coming. I am staying in a freaking nice hotel and I have 4 1/2 or 5 1/2 interviews scheduled. I went to talk to my fav NYC prof about my trip and this other student came in and took up all the time with inane conversation. He didn't even make a polite offer to come back later or anything. When the student asked me why I was worried, I responded "Well first of all, I have no sense of direction whatsoever." His response: "That is such a girl concern. I would be worried about my actual interviews and you're just worried about getting there." JACKASS. I had already talked about my abject fear that I won't understand anyone's accent and that I will seem so totally backwoods that people will think I'm a complete hick. Girl concerns, all. I am a horrible person for consoling myself by thinking about how much smarter I am than him.
4. I need a 4.0 this semester to stay in my ranked position. I can't concentrate because of interviewing. I am missing 6 days of class for out of town interviewing and oral argument hearing. Right now it seems impossible. Without the 4.0 I am not a superstar sufficient to get my Prestigious Job and do whatever I want as a lawyer. With the 4.0, the Prestigious Job still seems pretty unlikely (see 1 and 2).
5. Yesterday at my Prestigious Internship, Utah told me how hard it is to be a housewife, how his wife works harder than he does, and how he really admires her. I'm not sure how to respond to soapboxes of this nature. I do think that stay at home moms work really hard. I think they also create intangible benefits like a relatively well kept house and homemade meals and the peace and comfort that comes with that kind of order. I feel rotten that I am such a crappy homemaker and that my maternal instinct is seriously lacking and that I pay someone to clean my house. On days like today when I am feeling failure and apprehension about school and questioning my decisions entirely, though, I must admit that being a housewife doesn't look like a bad alternative.
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